Happy holidays, everyone! I hope you’ve had a wonderful break with your loved ones. I certainly have, and am very excited for what 2025 has in store for us 🙂

I finally have some free time and want to share something I’ve been reflecting on recently. Although I’m entirely limerence-immune now, I’m always reflecting on the topic and love nothing more than sharing my insights with you.

Does Limerence Always Involve Romantic/Sexual Feelings?

Over the years, many of you have asked me whether platonic limerence is possible. Can these intensely euphoric and painful feelings exist WITHOUT a romantic element? After all, we’ve all had a friend whose energy we’ve felt drawn to (or an acquaintance we’ve found intoxicatingly magnetic).

In short, I would say yes… but with nuances. Personally, I believe that cases of ‘true’ limerence – the type of longing that gives you highs and lows you’ve never experienced before and subjects you to near-24/7 obsession – nearly almost involves romantic love and sexual attraction. At its very core, limerence is ‘romantic love on steroids’… the pair-bond gone wrong. It’s love that grows twisted, all-encompassing and tragically painful, because a) your limerent object (LO) meets your untreated emotional needs in a very unique way and b) you cannot be with them. You don’t just want to be emotionally tied to your LO… you feel like you’re romantic soulmates, and would do anything to be with them forever.

Watered-Down, Platonic Limerence Is Possible Because Limerence Is NOT A Normal Form of Love

However, I’ve always made the point that limerence is more of an emotional and psychological problem than a ‘romantic’ problem. Because of this, it’s definitely possible to feel the limerent glimmer in a platonic way, and to even fall into mild-moderate limerence for people you aren’t attracted to. It probably won’t be as powerful or difficult to handle, but this person – whether a friend, new acquaintance, or colleague – MAY still occupy many of your thoughts and subject you to strong emotions. As with regular romantic limerence, you will probably find yourself desperate to a) enmesh with them emotionally and b) get more attention and recognition from them. You might also feel intensely jealous when they get closer to other people and/or give them the quality of attention that YOU desire from them.

Why? As with regular romantic limerence, platonic or ‘friendship’ limerence is all about unmet needs. Your LO lights you up because something about them – perhaps a trait they exhibit, their attitude, or their communication with you – TEMPORARILY fills voids in you. These people will typically be similar to your romantic LO/LOs in some way. Their similarity might not be obvious to an outsider, but internally, you’ll know what they have in common.

If you think you’re becoming a little ‘too’ dependent on someone’s energy, I urge you to do a little self-reflection and ask yourself, what do I like about this person? How do I feel when I’m with them? What version of me comes out around them?

How Can Non-Romantic Limerence Develop?

Here are three examples of how platonic limerence can look. I wonder if you’ll relate to any of these!

• A heterosexual woman who typically falls limerent for confident, narcissistic male LOs. Her unmet needs revolve around a strong desire to feel empowered and limitless. She’s always wanted to be an entrepreneur, but she feels too shy to launch a product of her own. Suddenly, she finds herself getting obsessed with her slightly arrogant female colleague. This woman radiates the same fearless energy she finds addictive (and temporarily makes her feel like SHE can take on the world, too).

• A homosexual man who feels a strong ‘spiritual’ connection to his close female friend. He feels she understands him better than anyone else and that they’re on the same ‘wavelength’. Initially, the strength of his feelings aren’t much of an issue for him. He enjoys the mutual bond they share. But when his friend branches out socially and starts hanging out with other people, he finds himself devastated and craving her attention. He misses the version of himself he saw reflected in her, and feels lost and flat.

• A heterosexual man who has only ever had female (romantic) LOs. Normally, they’re quick-witted and feisty with a soft vulnerable side. He senses that they’re ‘damsels in distress’ beneath the surface, and wants to help them realise their truest potential (seeing a strong, masculine version of himself reflected). One day, he finds himself developing strange, obsessive feelings for a woman he isn’t even attracted to. Something about her makes him feel like the best, most alive version of himself.

Signs You’ve Fallen Into Platonic, Mini Limerence

Here are some key giveaways that someone is giving you that limerent glimmer, even if you’d never want to date them:

• You desperately want to be your best self around them… in all the ways relevant to your connection. If they’re fit, you want to flex your fitness. If they’re intellectually stimulating, you try to appear as ‘in flow’ and switched on as possible around them. If they’re charismatic and warm, you hope you appear similarly effortless in social settings. Etc.!
• You don’t feel particularly attracted to them or want to date them, but you love emotionally connecting with them. This could extend to wanting to cuddle with them, but it’s not sexual.
• They make you feel SO good about yourself, your future possibilities, or about life itself. They feel like an emotional high.
• Whenever you’re in a group with them, you’re secretly looking for ways to connect with them. They’re the person you ‘track’ the most – everyone else is duller in comparison.
• Even if you recognise their flaws or the obsession isn’t that strong, you feel like they’re superior to everyone else in your shared environment.
• You think about them multiple times a day, and in ways that feel good and exciting.
• Your feelings towards them are very different to your feelings towards regular friends. They energise you FAR more.
• Weirdly, you find yourself wanting to do favours for them and potentially have to ‘hold back’ to avoid seeming creepy/too invested.
• On a similar note, you’d tolerate a LOT more from this person than from other people. You can’t really imagine them being annoying or overbearing.
• You find yourself constantly wanting to talk about them (perhaps to your other friends, your family, or your partner).
• You feel like they’re your ‘kindred spirit’; even if you two aren’t close friends, you feel like there’s an unspoken connection and you just ‘get’ each other. NOTE: Sometimes this is real and mutual, and other times, your LO is just very magnetic and charismatic and you’re mistaking this for a shared bond.
• You’d love to go on holiday with them/live with them/work with them. Even if your LO isn’t the most suitable person for these activities, you know it’d feel so exciting and blissful… and, it’d be a chance to bond properly!
• You find yourself analysing your interactions with them, wanting to reveal things to them that they might be impressed by, and QUESTIONING whether they ‘see the real you’ and/or feel drawn to you.
• If you feel that they find you magnetic or interesting too, or validate your ambitions and goals in life, you feel on top of the world.
• If they pull away, give someone else similar attention, or exhibit an offkey micro-expression, you feel low and dejected. You find yourself thinking, “they don’t think I’m special after all.”
• You start to fall into the illusion that feeling like your best self is dependent on THEM reflecting specific sides of you back at yourself. Like regular limerence, you falsely start to believe that you can’t access these emotional states, and this self-concept, on your own. NOTE: Luckily this is entirely, entirely untrue… you can, and will, learn to embody your best self without this person.

Platonic Limerence: It’s About Getting Specific Emotional Needs Satisfied, Rather Than Romantic Union

It’s probably clear as day to you now, if it wasn’t before: this platonic, less intense (but still bothersome) form of limerence is very similar to regular limerence. It’s the same beast, just a watered-down version that typically involves less obsession, less pain, and less jealousy over your LO (relatively speaking).

For example, when limerence is platonic, you will crave a certain form of attention/validation from your LO that meets your needs uniquely (e.g. discussing intellectual ideas at work, bonding over shared interests, or having deep WhatsApp chats), and you’ll probably find yourself feeling a bit jealous and indignant if they suddenly start dishing out this specific form of attention to someone else. BUT, interestingly, you might NOT feel too jealous if they have a romantic partner as long as this partner doesn’t detract from your LO’s ability to give YOU the attention you like. Because you don’t desire a physical relationship with your LO, or want to compete on that level. You just want your emotional fix.

All Forms, And Intensities, of Limerence Are Treated The Same Way!

As with regular limerence, falling into this type of limerence doesn’t mean anything is inherently wrong with you, or that you’re weak. On the contrary! It just means you’re a complex, passionate person who needs more out of life than the regular person. You have specific emotional needs that you need to meet.

Perhaps you crave deeper connections than most people, or energising and high-flying emotional states, or you’re drawn to bold and ruthless people that move through life more effortlessly than you. If you’re one of these people, the trick is to learn how to experience healthy versions of the highs that limerence gives you… in as many rich, varied ways. This is all explained in The Limerent Mind.

If you’re finding yourself feeling different levels of limerent glimmers, or even episodes, for different people in your life, I HIGHLY suggest reading all three of my books. You can reverse this pattern pretty quickly, but you’ll need to be highly self-aware. If LOs keep popping up, that’s an irrefutible sign that you have emotional requirements that you haven’t learnt how to meet yet. Even if this ‘mini limerent episodes’ haven’t proved too problematic yet, I strongly suggest prioritising healing now, before they become a bigger problem in your life.

Wishing you strength, good health, and a wonderful start to 2025! As always, please feel free to get in touch at neurosparkle@gmail.com if you relate to this post or would like to share your story.