Hello, lovely readers. In today’s post, we’re going to discuss whether it’s possible to experience limerence for your partner… the person you’re in a committed, requited relationship with. In other words, can your limerent object (LO) be someone who ISN’T a mere fantasy… someone who a serious, meaningful relationship with is not just possible, but a reality?

Hint: The answer is yes! I’m going to explain why this can occur, and how you can completely heal this form of limerence and restore balance to your relationship.

Limerence Is All About YOU

I’ve pondered writing this article for a long time, and the moment finally feels right. My logic here might challenge what you’ve heard about limerence, including Dorothy Tennov’s work (brilliant in some ways, but psychologically flawed in others) and other common relationship theories. But if you’ve read my three books and applied my techniques, you’ll understand my perspective. Let’s dive in!

One concept I emphasize in my books (The Limerent Mind, Twenty Disastrous Limerence Errors, and Fifty Limerence Lessons) is that limerence is NOT about your LO. Limerence reflects your unique psychological weaknesses, making a certain archetype of person seem magical, mesmerising, and addictive.

What psychological weaknesses are we talking about?

Unmet emotional needs, unhealed trauma, self-concept issues, and limiting beliefs are the main causes of limerence. As long as these problems are unresolved, you’ll be vulnerable, signalling to potential LOs and latching onto the first one who gives you a ‘buzz’. LOs can ‘sparkle’ to limerents in so many different ways, e.g. through their attitude, work ethic, connection with nature, self-belief, vulnerability, or intellect. Despite the specifics, limerence is a predictable condition that can be cured through simple steps, regardless of your psychological issues or who your LO is.

Your LO Can Be Anyone Who Complements Your Psychological Issues

Yes, your LO can be anyone: someone you see daily, a coworker, a friend, an enemy, a sibling’s partner, a neighbour, or – as some of you have experienced – even a celebrity or fictional character. If your brain has had enough exposure to their traits and attitudes, and they resonate with YOUR unique psychological issues, you’ll find them addictive and crave their emotional reciprocation.

So, we’ve covered that limerents can get obsessed with pretty much anyone under the sun; as long as they tickle the right psychological ‘trouble areas’, they’ll seem deep, fascinating, intelligent, adorable, attractive and magical to the limerent.

But, you might still be asking, “How can someone be limerent for their ACTUAL partner? Don’t people say that ‘consumating’ limerence kills the obsession?“

Well, it is possible, and no – being coupled up with someone doesn’t stop you from finding them to be kryptonite and craving more, more and more from them… until your demands surpass what a human can give.

Limerence Is Emotional Desperation, Not Love

How can you be limerent for your partner who cares about you and includes you in their future plans? Because limerence is deeply psychological, and all about you —external conditions matter far less than you think. That’s why two people can be equally limerent and unwell, with one yearning for their ex-spouse and another for a coworker they see once a month. This also explains why going ‘no contact’ isn’t necessary or sufficient to cure limerence, as I discuss in great depth in my second book.

No Limerent Object Is Ever ‘Enough’

Now for another reason why you, as someone prone to limerence, could develop unhealthily obsessive feelings for your partner: limerents are NEVER satisfied with what their LOs give them, regardless of their relationship with them. They always tell themselves, “I’m in pain, but if my LO did a bit more, I’d be permanently happy and grateful. If my LO waved at me every day/smiled at me more/spoke to me more/messaged me all night instead of once before bed/married me/had a kid with me/swore on oath to never leave me/quit their job/stayed at home with me all day *I’d be the luckiest person in the world*”.

But as anyone who has EVER got truly close to their LO can attest to (whether in a friendly or romantic way), you’re never satisfied while limerent… because you’re addicted. It’s no fault of your own, and is entirely reversible. But in active, untreated limerence, your brain’s reward circuitry (which drives addictive behaviours) is highly active and greedy.

Limerence is the King of Craving More. Even if you consider your partner your soulmate, if you’re prone to limerence and have unresolved emotional issues, you’ll be unhealthily obsessed with them, regardless of how nicely they treat you.

So yes, it is ENTIRELY possible to feel limerent for a partner you see daily, have a physical relationship with, travel with, possibly have a child with, and plan a future with. And by ‘feeling limerent’, I am NOT describing happy, net-positive mutual infatuation, which I consider proof of a really good relationship. No, I am describing one-sided agony and suffering… to make that very clear.

For Those Limerents Who Doubt It’s Possible…

If you’re a limerent person dealing with unrequited or impossible love, you might feel indignant. “How can limerents experience my pain, yet be dating or married to their LO? What’s wrong with them? I wish I were in their position.” But it is possible because:

A) Limerence goes far beyond romance. Just because someone has a romantic bond and regularly sleeps with their LO doesn’t mean their deep emotional wounds are satisfied.

B) Limerence is a strong form of addiction that leaves you ALWAYS wanting more. While limerent, you’re like a newborn baby crying out to be cuddled and soothed 24/7. Even being married won’t provide you with this level of attention from your LO.

If you’ve read my books, the idea that you can be limerent for your spouse or partner shouldn’t surprise you. You, on some level, know it’s possible to be extremely close to someone and still crave more: more energy, emotional reciprocation, communication, devotion, gifts, fun experiences, and certainty. And even if you’re together and they give you that certainty, you start wanting it every week… bigger, bolder professions of love… and then every day, and then, multiple times a day while they’re busy at work!

One-Sided Limerence Is Present in Many Relationships

I’d argue that anyone in a ‘happy’ relationship who senses an imbalance between them and their partner’s devotion – and gets extremely upset over this – is limerent. For example, it’s typical limerent behaviour to think, “We call every evening and have the most beautiful relationship, but why do they sometimes not text at work or want to cuddle as much as me?” Particularly if these questions are accompanied by deep pain, anger, and fear of abandonment.

I’m not suggesting all relationship rumination is due to limerence. Truly toxic dynamics can induce this type of questioning, as can relationships where one person is uninterested. In these cases, external circumstances ARE likely to blame. The person might feel better if they leave the relationship, build themselves up, and move on – because it isn’t right for them.

But if the relationship is generally healthy and reciprocal, yet one person is highly sensitive, unstable and over-demanding, that person is probably limerent. They may love their partner, but there’s a limerent component twisting it into an unhealthy form. It’s not the limerent’s fault; they’ve unknowingly neglected their emotional needs. When their partner complements these unmet needs of theirs, they experience dysfunctional highs, mistaking this for love – which they DO feel, but separately to these feelings.

Someone who hasn’t experienced healthy love can easily think it’s normal to have a limerent component. It isn’t, and it’s unfair to the non-limerent partner. The limerent partner will feel irrational pain and panic when their partner behaves normally, potentially pushing them away or fostering an unhealthy dynamic full of accusations. And the non-limerent partner will have to prove their love constantly, which will make them feel unheard and unseen… because they adore their partner and spend almost all their free time with them!

To Let Your Relationship Blossom, Remove Limerence From the Equation

What’s the solution? A person limerent for their partner needs to heal from limerence like anyone else, without distancing themselves from their partner. They need to follow the recovery steps in The Limerent Mind, which will teach them how to identify their emotional needs and how to meet them – as well as MANY other necessary psychological shifts. This is crucial for healing from limerence, as it shows you how to feel healthier, sustainable, varied versions of those limerent highs on your own. This eradicates the need to ‘use’ your LO to self-soothe, and lets your relationship free-flow beautifully, as it’s meant to do.

NO ONE should be responsible for changing your emotional state, whether your LO is a stranger or your spouse. Viewing your partner as a drug to ‘get a hit’ detracts from your bond with them, and fuels your addiction.

It’s your responsibility to meet your emotional needs and transform the elements of your psychology that make you susceptible to limerence. You must set the crystal-clear intention to become limerence-immune. No case is too difficult to treat, and they’re all more similar than you’d think.

Healing From Limerence Will Make Your Relationship MORE Magical

Remember, limerence is totally separate from romantic love. It’s its twisted, unhealthy cousin on steroids. Curing limerence won’t make you fall out of love with your partner if you’re well-suited and have a great relationship. What it WILL do is elevate you to new heights, and give you and your partner the best chance of a beautiful, balanced relationship where you’re committed to each other and can achieve your individual goals without unnecessary pain, arguments, or desperation.

DISCLAIMER: It’s fine for you and your partner to feel bonded and in awe of each other—that’s true love. It’s also fine to ‘need’ each other. But limerence is a different beast.

So, I’m not suggesting couples become apathetic and detached. I emphasise the importance of ensuring that you, a limerent person, don’t stress or sabotage your relationship by being overly sensitive to your partner’s every move. If you have any opinions or experiences to share, please get in touch—I’d love to hear your thoughts! 🙂