In this post, I want to a) remind you that your LO’s ‘unique, attractive’ traits have serious downsides and b) teach you how to shift your focus to this reality to support your recovery.

Euphoria, Addiction, and Unmet Needs

Usually, I remind you that limerence is all about you, rather than your limerent object (LO). It’s crucial to understand this. I talk about this in intense depth in my three books (click here to get started on recovery); limerence is a reflection of you and the unmet emotional needs you’re carrying around, which allow someone with your LO’s specific mix of characteristics to make you feel so euphoric. And once you get euphoric a few times, you’re addicted, and then the withdrawals come when the relationship doesn’t.

So, while some LOs are ‘toxic’, many are just regular, complex people. Your LO might be a healthy-minded person, or someone who interacts with others in dismissive, chaotic, inappropriate, non-committal or otherwise confusing ways. But who THEY are doesn’t really matter at the end of the day. Once you figure out your unmet needs and learn to provide yourself with access to the emotions you crave in your LO, their spell over you will dissolve.

However, some people’s LOs are objectively very difficult people. Whether we want to call them ‘toxic’, ‘personality-disordered’ or something else entirely, some LOs can have some really nightmarish interpersonal styles.

Mixed Signals Often = Unhealthy Traits in Limerent Objects

Personally, I believe this is most likely when your LO is close to you. Limerence is hard to hide—your LO will be sensing some sort of over-investment from you if you engage with them enough, especially in an intimate or ‘close friends’ way. Even if you try your hardest to feign nonchalance, they’ll subconsciously feel that you wouldn’t reject them in any way if they wanted to get close to you and that you want more from them than they can give… more time, more energy, more communication, and more promises of future time together.

So, if you are in a ‘weird’ situation with your LO involving a lot of mixed signals from them, it’s more likely that they have some unhealthy traits when it comes to relating to others. Why? Because otherwise, assuming they’re a grown adult, why would they WANT to be so close to someone in love with them when they don’t reciprocate?

They might be a bit dependent on you, using you to make one part of their personality ‘happy’ but not wanting anything real with you. Or they might be narcissistic, finding your feelings flattering and not caring that you’re pining.

The upshot = people in weird situations with their LOs are often people in love with LOs that are interpersonally unhealthy. This is especially true if you two have some sort of a romantic history (had a first date, have hooked up, or have dated).

Trusting in Your Own Healing

If this is the case and your LO seems to be significantly contributing to a messy dynamic, I want you to NOT despair. Please trust that—like I’ve emphasised a few times—your healing is no different to someone whose LO is soft, kind, and reliable (yet unavailable or uninterested in a relationship). Limerence is all about someone hitting you too hard because they strike an emotional chord that they shouldn’t strike… and fill a void that shouldn’t be there. My three books and my other material on this website are all designed to help you fix and remove those voids yourself, so your ‘trigger’ archetype doesn’t even glimmer to you anymore. So that this type of person doesn’t feel druglike or even that special. It’s crazy to imagine this now, but it’s totally possible! So many have experienced this type of healing. 🙂

But, I do want you to realise the following: if your LO is difficult, it can be extra tempting to romanticise them because they probably do have some traits that seem almost supernatural. People who lack empathy, are non-committal and emotionally volatile, or otherwise confusing, tend to do a few things very well. Perhaps your LO is good at being a driven workaholic, fearlessly presenting with a certain charisma most ‘normal’ people lack, or gathering information a.k.a. ‘reading your mind’.

But realise—these good traits are SIMPLY the other face of the coin. In other words, they’re the flipside of what makes them so difficult. And you’re sick and tired of dealing with what makes them so difficult. So stop romanticsing their skills and ‘magnetic energy’.

Mental Trick: How to Take Your Toxic LO off the Pedestal

Think about yourself, and the quirks, skills and personality traits you have that other people LOVE. Go as specific and detailed as possible. E.g. Are you an avid reader and great at remembering stories? Are you extremely kind and thoughtful? Are you very passionate about causes greater than yourself, such as donating to children in need? Are you a hilarious person in group settings? And not to mention, are you able to tap into really positive exciting emotional states sometimes (I need not ask this; I know you can, or you couldn’t be limerent)?

Once you’ve picked 2-3 examples of your ‘cool’ and/or likeable traits, draw your attention to the negative side of these traits. Now, this isn’t an anti self-compassion exercise, so please don’t be harsh on yourself. But just think, gently, to play this game… what OTHER things lie behind these traits or behaviours?

E.g. you love reading but feel it’s escapism and wish you could be more people-focused? You’re kind and thoughtful because you’re ruminative? You’re passionate about helping others, but feel burdened by responsibility too often? You’re funny in groups to draw attention away from some small insecurities, or because you feel you need to entertain people? Or, you can feel really great, but your brain can also make you feel terrible and lost (i.e. the limerent crash)?

There you go. I’m sure you’ve thought of several examples for yourself, of how beautiful/positive/fun traits and behaviours ALWAYS have a flipside.

Well, I want you to be equally critical towards your LO now – because chances are, the ‘positive traits’ you love in them probably have GLARING red flags behind them in comparison to yours.

Next time you find yourself thinking, wow, my LO is so bold and magnetic, fun, wild, productive, or spontaneous, remind yourself what sits BEHIND those traits. Not as little ‘bugs’, but as core structures… as the rest of the iceberg.

Examples: Reassessing Your LO’s Most Addictive Traits & Behaviours

Maybe, just maybe, they’re extremely bold and magnetic because they think others are below them and don’t care what others think in group settings.

Perhaps they seem bold and open to you because they lack normal, respectful boundaries and ask invasive questions that most people who aren’t limerent resent and dislike.

Maybe they’re fun and wild because they’re dangerously disinhibited, and the type of person NO ONE could have a relationship with. Or perhaps you COULD date them in theory, but it’d be all about them and their emotions and antics… which, believe me, gets tiring once the limerence glow fades.

Maybe they’re spontaneous because their lives lack structure… perhaps they eternally disappoint people who expect them to make, commit to and follow through with all of their plans.

Remember, behind every ‘desirable’ trait your LO has, lies something objectively less glamorous that you already, deep-down, have detected.

A Final Note – Not Everyone Is a Fan of Your LO!

Also keep in mind that for every case of limerence involving a limerent and an LO, there are usually 10 to 20 friends, colleagues, or family members who see your LO very differently. These people often find them irritating, difficult, or frustrating, and they may have grown weary of their problematic interpersonal style—whether it’s due to shared work, responsibilities, or other life entanglements.

Not everyone is swept away by your LO’s magnetic qualities. Some observe all angles of their personality, recognising both the appealing and the less glamorous aspects. Rather than simply romanticising the brilliance you see, join the crowd that sees the full picture: it’s always a double-edged sword.

Of course, we could break down everyone’s personality like this. However, we’re focusing on your LO because you need to correct your overly inflated, pedestal view of this person—a view driven by your addiction to the qualities that mirror your own unmet emotional needs and that you mistakenly deem attractive. This mental rebalancing perspective shift won’t cure limerence on its own; you need to follow the steps outlined here for that. But it will help you begin to see things more clearly and move toward genuine healing.