Apart from serious illnesses or devastating news, few things can put a dampener on your holiday merriment quite like unrequited love. Not only do you have ample time to ruminate about the object of your infatuation (your LO) when you are floating through narrow, picturesque streets or lying on the beach, but you are also likely to find that some of your primitive emotions are triggered more easily while away.

After all, being on holiday is sentimental and even poignant for many of us, on account of its ability to evoke up memories of childhood summers (for those of us lucky enough to travel then, of course), unrestrained and regrettable drinking escapades and eye-opening spiritual awakenings. You may also find that all of the joyful, relaxed couples in ‘holiday mode’ bombard you with harsh reminders that you are not in a romantic relationship (if you are single and limerent), or (potentially even more brutal) that your current relationship feels stagnant compared to how dating your LO could be.

Infatuation On The Beach

I’m getting quite a few messages from readers about how to cope with limerence during the summer season, when hiding away and wallowing is (fortunately) trickier. Have you read my book, committed to recovery but are still dealing with the last trickle of intrusive thoughts about your LO? Do you feel appalled and guilty at yourself for missing your LO while on holiday? Does your July morning ritual consist of you staring out of your window in Bulgaria at a particularly beautiful field of cows, trying to fathom why you can’t just forget this noncommittal individual and enjoy these weeks?

I am writing this post in order to crawl into that very headspace you are currently occupying and let you know that your experience is valid and normal. You are neither a). self-indulgent for feeling this way while being blessed enough to afford a holiday mid-COVID, nor b). does this reflect a poor prognosis with regards to you curing yourself and securing real, required love.

When We Change Our Subconscious Minds, Results Always Follow

While many people do experience an amazingly fast psychological detachment from their LO upon starting to rewire their brains (they literally fall out of love overnight, shifting from admiration to knowing that they are worth more than crumbs of love), some people are dealing with tougher-to-shift belief systems than others. While this strain of limerence may look like someone who is particularly delusionally obsessed with their LO compared to the ‘typical sufferer’, this is not always the case – many high-functioning, incredibly intelligent people have fed their subconscious minds atrocious beliefs for years, resulting in these thoughts hardening into a reality of incessant unrequited love. Remember, your reality will always reflect your beliefs – there is not one aspect of your 3D existence that has not been actively manifested and aligned with.

If you identify with this extreme end of the spectrum, this by no means means that you can’t recover rapidly; I guarantee you that everyone is capable of healing from limerence in a matter of weeks and becoming totally immune to future bouts if they are willing to put in a tad of work. It does mean, however, that you will need to launch yourself even more enthusiastically into the recovery programme, knowing that (however tempting thinking about your LO is) that shifting your neural output is the only way to become someone who is cured.

But, Healing Takes A Little Bit of Time

Let’s say that you are one of these people who has dealt with years of particularly tenacious infatuations and internet episodes. You may well not be (naturally, most people aren’t on the extreme end of any spectrum- most people can snap out of limerence very quickly when they a). truly understand it and b). accept never experiencing the dopamine high again).

However, for the sake of this post and in order to help those who are really suffering, we are going to pretend you are. Relating back to our minds creating our realities, your stubborn case wholly and undeniably reflects psychological wounding, unmet needs and beliefs (about what you deserve, who you are, what romance should look and feel like) that have been imprinted into your mind and left to grow like weeds.

The Law of Mirroring governs this time-space reality, and does not discriminate – believe or ‘sense’ something long enough (such as “smart women don’t like me”, “interesting people are difficult to find”, “love is hard to secure”) and it will harden into fact. This commonly happens to driven, sociable, career-oriented people who have maxed out all aspects of their life apart from the romantic facet, and this demographic is also often typically the most confused as to why they are suddenly stopped into an emotional rocket shooting towards Destination Insanity. Of course, belief systems are only one aspect of the psychological points of weakness that render someone biologically-prone to limerence a sufferer of limerence – limerents all have neglected needs, and internalized mini-traumas.

You Must Unalign With Limerence

The great news is that, once these factors are dealt with systematically (and with a smile on your face – for this is your ticket to freedom!), you will be incompatible with limerence. It will be impossible for you to even go about attracting someone unstable enough to intermittently reward you and keep you addicted, but equally impossible for you to find such people attractive. You know how you can chat to certain people at parties, move on and not think too much of them? This is because these people do not complement you psychologically. My goal and mission is to rewire each and every one of your brains so that your ‘trigger people’ (i.e. LOs who provide you with that dangerous initial glimmer) just seem like regular people. People you could never fall for, never find your moods controlled by.

Repeat This: I Am Currently Curing Myself

You will achieve this if you are serious about changing the mental frameworks that you have unknowingly clung onto for so long. However, if a beach break with the parents or a city trip with university friends happens to coincide with the very initial phases of your journey to freedom, you may also have to deal with a few intrusive thoughts about ‘needing’ their LO to have fun while on this current holiday.

Let them pass. Remind yourself that the ‘bond’ with your LO is only serving to complement toxic parts of your own psychology that you are in the process of treating. Just like a nicotine addict in the process of quitting smoking can’t be dejected by the odd craving, or an exemplar student studying for an exam has to remind themself that the odd academic error isn’t a setback because they are moving towards perfection, you need to know and trust in your own capabilities.

Next summer won’t involve feelings of longing and desperation over someone who does not love you back, as long as you do not kid yourself with regards to shedding the limerence habit. You must ache for freedom, and live for the knowledge that you are currently constructing future you: he or she already exists because you can conceive him/her, and is strong, fulfilled, limerence-immune, and capable of benefiting from the obsessive focus that once made him or her a slave to unrequited love.

Keep stepping in the right direction, don’t look back, and please enjoy your summer.