Today, I would like to share a simple message with you that I believe will transform how you approach your self-care. I’ll keep this post as concise as possible, as I want it to be digestible (and I only have a bit of time to write this). But I sincerely hope it inspires you all to meet your needs in more satisfying ways.
In short, I know that every single person reading this could benefit significantly from cultivating more self-love. From learning how to cultivate a stronger, purer positive feeling of love directed at yourself. This may sound like generic drivel, or contrived social media positivity – but I mean it wholeheartedly, and want you to really suspend your disbelief here and consider how why you, personally, should love yourself a lot more.
First, let’s consider the obvious reason why self-love is particularly crucial for you, a suffer of limerence, to magnify within yourself. It’s the following: self-love is required to overcome limerence, because it helps you undo the pattern… unravelling its roots.
Why is this? Because limerence is the opposite of self-love and compassion. Limerence places you in a state of self-hatred and self-resentment. It involves struggle, desire, fear, and above all, anger directed at yourself. While limerent, you berate yourself on a daily basis for being ‘incapable’ of detaching from your limerent object. All while you shower them with love, even if just in your imagination – and keep them firmly on a golden pedestal.
However, there are other reasons why I’m encouraging you to double-down on your self-love and create these feelings in your life as frequently as possible. It’s because we, as humans, have evolved to thrive when we feel cared for. My extensive experience in the field of neuroscience has confirmed this to me, over and over again: we have social brains that are wired to need love to feel, look, and act our absolute best.
We all seek love, because it puts us in a flow state. It lowers our cortisol, delays signs of aging, soothes our psychological distress, and inspires us to create and be the best versions of ourselves. Luckily, though, this love really and truly does not need to be romantic.
You don’t need to be in what feels like a ‘soulmate relationship’ to embody love and reap the benefits. In fact, I would argue that the highest form of love is a ‘protective love’ that’s more akin to the mother-infant relationship. And luckily, you can access and feel this love with your family, your friends, your colleagues (if you’re lucky and have friendly relationships with them), and on your own.
All it is is a feeling – an awareness that you are being cared for by something greater than yourself, even if that thing is your higher, more intelligent self looking after your more childlike, wounded self. Just like someone with chronic anxiety can feel panicky in the absence of real threats, you can channel beautiful, blissfully warm feelings of love that heal your heart and your mind on your own.
We are social creatures, so if you are in a position where you lack close connections, I implore you to make changes – no matter how small – to place yourself in a position where you can make a few.
But, ultimately, we cannot merge our bodies with those of other people, try as we might. We cannot have our hands held constantly. Which is where the magic of self-love comes to our rescue. Even though you’re an adult, your brain still has primal circuitry that responds extremely magically to love… to the knowledge that you are receiving love. So care for yourself, treat yourself, and most importantly, commit to being your best self. Because a lot of the time, stoic discipline is the highest form of self-care… that leads to the strongest, most soothing feelings of self-love.
PS. I recommend reading Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant.