This postis a follow-on from my last post on why limerence, though it often feels all-consuming and intimate, isn’t actually romantic—because romance, at its core, requires shared intent to form a relationship, not just intensity.

In this one, we’re going to cover a separate, but related, point: your limerent object (LO) might be drawn to you and find you very attractive, but make no mistake – this is NOT the same as choosing you. In nearly all cases, they don’t want a real relationship with you.

If you’re currently still making the common limerent mistake of believing your LO a) wants to be with you but b) has a ‘confusing’ personality to decode, this might shatter that illusion. In fact, I hope it does, because seeing the truth is going to free you and let you shine as the person you’re meant to be faster.

This post will tackle some tougher truths about human nature, so let me figuratively take your hand before you continue to read it. But it’s all necessary to understand, and empowering and freeing in the long rum!

An Unpleasant Yet Freeing Truth About LOs

One of the hardest things to accept about limerence is just how emotionally neutral or even cold your LO might actually feel towards you, despite seeming enchanted by you at times, and despite what might feel like intense chemistry. And I don’t say that to be harsh. I say it because it’s how humans work.

It’s entirely possible, and actually very common, for someone to be genuinely drawn to your energy yet be ENTIRELY sure they don’t want to date you romantically. They might find you physically attractive, mentally electric, even emotionally compelling, and still feel no desire to act on those feelings beyond a) keeping you around in a confusing ‘friendship’ or (if you’ve been physical) a ‘situationship’.

Your LO might admire you in a real and honest way. They might even think you’re the most fascinating person they’ve met in months, someone who lights up their conversations and stirs something in them.. or even the person most similar to them they’ve ever met. It might make them think of you occasionally when you’re apart, or chuckle at your similarity or shared interests. But that doesn’t mean they want a relationship. It doesn’t mean they want to change their habits, or shift their routine, or close the doors on their other romantic options. It doesn’t mean they want to choose you in any consistent, practical, or emotional sense.

And that, whether we like it or not, is the only thing that really matters. Which is why you must commit to doing whatever you can to heal from limerence, starting as soon as you can.

The Magnetism of Limerents

Limerents tend to be deep-feeling, emotionally layered people. You might be one of the most magnetic people your LO has come across in a long time. It’s okay to feel that… if you do, you’re probably correct. It isn’t arrogance, it’s often simply the truth. There’s a kind of vitality that limerents carry, something emotionally intense and vivid that draws others in. But even if your LO finds you attractive, even if they sometimes flirt or respond warmly, it doesn’t mean they feel emotional urgency. It doesn’t mean they want to hold onto you, prioritise you, or build anything meaningful with you.

Attraction doesn’t automatically translate into desire for partnership: not physical, mental, or emotional attraction… or even all three combined. Even if all three would set your heart on fire AND make you commit to someone straight away, it’s dangerous and short sighted to assume everyone else is wired inthe same way as you. Some people cross your path and become a chapter, and others are just a moment. Because sometimes, no matter how powerful the moment feels to you, that’s all it was for them. Other times, people are happy to keep you around to meet THEIR needs… which aren’t emotional and gaping like a limerent’s unmet needs, but which they still enjoy getting met. If you’re in some sort of confusing ‘situationship’, with your LO wanting to hook up occasionally and connect emotionally when it suits them, this is precisely what’s happening.

If you’re a woman navigating limerence with a male LO, and relate to this, you might find this even harder to relate to. Because on average, men are more able to compartmentalise. They are more likely, on average, to be able to enjoy emotional closeness, intimacy, or connection without it triggering a deeper bond. They might enjoy being close to you, might even really like you as a person, and still file those feelings away neatly, out of reach of their long-term decisions. But of course, as with anything, there are plenty of female LOs capable of this type of non-committal ‘bonding’ too… hence why limerence seems equally common amongst men and women.

Is Limerence Really That Confusing? We All Relate to Liking Someone but Not Enough

We’ve probably all been on the other side of this, in our own way. We’ve met people who made us laugh, who inspired us, who were objectively great to be around, perhaps who even reminded us of our childhoods or a chapter of life that we loved… but who never became more than a passing character in our story.

We appreciated them, maybe even felt a flicker of potential. OR, perhaps we really liked them and thought about them every day… because of overlapping uncommon interests, or cool feelings they woke up in us (but not feelings we were bothered to make an effort to integrate into our life). We may have even been the instigator of plans… perhaps you met them during quite a unique life stage when you found yourself more open, and wanted to seize the moment – and they were around, as a suitable and fun person to explore life with for a while, whether platonically or romantically.

But the important part? You didn’t imagine a future with them, or forgo other things to see them, unless you were in the precise right mood. Perhaps they wanted to hang out for a glass of wine after work one day, and you found the idea pleasant but not compelling enough… you were tired, and wanted to watch Netflix alone instead. You didn’t want to weave them into your routine, or see them for breakfast just before your friend came to stay, so you found yourself telling them, truthfully, that you had to sort a few things out before she arrived. But if you’d been in love and keen to ‘seize the opportunity’ to be with them, I’m sure you would have had some green tea and pepped yourself up to see them.

It didn’t feel natural to make those kinds of sacrifices for these people, because you weren’t in love, or feeling the desire to build trust and commit. Instead, like most people who enjoy someone’s energy but don’t want a relationship with them, you naturally prioritised yourself, and the people who were already meaningful in your life.

Despite the noise in modern dating culture about radical self-prioritisation, the truth is this: it’s impossible to be entirely selfish and be/stay in a relationship. The switch that makes us HAPPY to make room for someone else is typically being in love, and genuinely wanting a future with someone. This is what inspires us to override other homeostatic needs and competing social or romantic opportunities.

When You’re Everything… Except What Your LO Chooses

You might even be the most stunning person your LO has encountered in months… physically and personality-wise. You might have that rare combination of charm, insight, depth, and physical appeal. But that doesn’t mean your LO feels driven to claim you, to move mountains to keep you in his life, or to take steps towards a relationship. That doesn’t mean he or she wants to integrate you into his world.

Consider this odd analogy: your LO might appreciate you the way someone appreciates a beautiful, rainbow-sculpted statue. Something unusual and exciting that you look forward to passing by on the drive home from work, maybe something you even tell your friends about or take a photo of. It’s meaningful to you in the moment. It might even become a symbol of something, and you might think about it every day! But do you want that statue in your house? In your living room, your kitchen, or your bedroom? Probably not. Not because it’s not beautiful. But because it doesn’t fit your home. You don’t want to sacrifice the minimalistic white aesthetic you have going on.

Unfortunately, this is how we, as humans, can feel about other people. Attraction and commitment are very different things, and only overlap occasionally. Which means, we can find people beautiful, exciting, rare, even valuable, and still not want the reality of them in our everyday lives. We’re not broken for that or heartless… We’re just human.

Your LO’s ‘Confusing’ or ‘Mixed’ Signals Are the Answer

Understanding this helps you see mixed signals more clearly. They are not mysteries you need to analyse. They are just signs that the other person doesn’t share your intent. Even if your LO has kissed you, or slept with you, or stayed up talking to you until 3am. Even if you’ve told them how you feel, and they’ve said they really like you too yet make no efforts to make your connection grow.

Their inconsistency, their hesitance, their failure to show up for the connection in any concrete way, is your answer. They might like you. They may even love something about you. But they don’t love you in the way that moves people to act. They don’t picture their future with you. And that isn’t tragic. It’s just true.

Choosing Someone Isn’t the Default: We All Relate to Liking Something About Someone, But NOT Choosing Them

I’ve been there myself. Before meeting my current long-term partner, I went on dates with some men who I found incredibly attractive—some of the best looking I’d ever come across—but something in them was a little too soft, too yielding, and didn’t pique my interest in the long run. I met others who ticked all the boxes intellectually and emotionally, who were bright and exciting and wild, but who lived a little too erratically for me to trust where things might go. I had to walk away, because I knew I didn’t want chaos, alcohol, or instability to become part of my adult life.

And then there were people I found mentally riveting, conversations that stayed with me for years, but who I didn’t feel physically drawn to. Some of those people still live in my memory with fondness. I remember the conversations we had, the insights they gave me, the ways they made me feel seen or helped me grow. I hold them in high regard, but I didn’t want a relationship with them.

And because I’ve experienced limerence, and I’ve done the work to be self-aware, I made sure to be clear with those people. If I sensed they liked me, if I saw signs that they were hoping something would grow, I did my best to set boundaries and avoid leading them on. I knew how it felt to be on the other end of that story. Some I would’ve LOVED to keep around as friends, potential work collaborators, intellectual muses, reminders to be bold and live unapologetically… you name it. But I never did, because I knew doing so wasn’t fair.

Most People Aren’t Going to Be Fair and Cut You Off, Even When They Should

But the truth is, most people don’t do that. Your LO, while not necessarily manipulative or emotionally stunted, might simply not have that level of self-awareness. They might just go with the flow. They might think, “This person clearly likes me. I don’t really feel the same, but I enjoy parts of what we have. I’m not ready to cut them off.” When they’re bored, or lonely, or curious again, they might text you, send you a song, share something that makes them feel momentarily connected. Maybe it DOES go deep for them… but deep, especially for smart people who chase highs and have access to a lot of different connections, doesn’t always trigger ANY desire for commitment! Again, I relate to this. I remember people who made me vividly remember my childhood, or living abroad at points and feeling the most free I’ve ever felt, or how limitless I felt as an unjaded 18-year-old studying in the library for my final exams. But that was all about me, and not about the desire to start a relationship with them, or even a friendship. And it goes without saying, with all the turbulent limerent chapters I endured, that I experienced the flipside of this… people who fascinated me and seemed like once-in-a-lifetime opportunities to live in bliss, but who just saw me as someone ‘interesting and nice’.

When you’re limerent and you’re searching for hope, all these ‘connection’ moments FEEL like intimacy that is converting into something. Like progress. But they’re not, if your LO is giving you totally mixed signals.

In an ideal world, none of this would happen.. we’d all verbalise our intentions, and if someone wanted more with us, we wouldn’t be selfish and enjoy ‘parts’ of the experience of them/string them along.

Ideally, your LO would say to themselves, “This person wants a relationship with me. They want to spend time with me during the week, go on trips together, cook meals, build a life. They want to be with me next year, and maybe in five years too. If I can’t give that to them, I should let them go.”

But most people aren’t that clear! They’re not trying to hurt you, but they’re trying to keep feeling good. They want the connection that works for them, without having to consider what it costs you. You must accept this, and control what you can control: how you choose to live and whether you keep entertaining them.

It’s Not Romantic, It’s Convenient

So if your LO benefits from the connection—if you make them feel seen, if you give them access to your thoughts and emotional warmth, if there’s a sexual component, or if you share things that reflect parts of themselves back to them—they’ll keep you close enough to feel that energy, without getting close enough to commit. And from your side, that feels romantic. It feels like you’re building something. But the bitter truth is, you’re not. What’s happening isn’t romantic. It’s emotionally convenient. For them, not for you.

What Romance Really Means

Romance is not chemistry, or comfort, or curiosity. It’s not shared playlists or long talks or mutual admiration. EVEN if you feel these things so rarely and you’re sure your LO does too, this doesn’t mean that they want to be in a relationship with you. Real romance comes around for us all at points, and we can do things to maximise our chances of finding it… but let’s be honest, it isn’t the default between two people who feel a spark. It also requires intent. It’s two people consciously choosing each other, making space for one another, and building something in real time.

If that isn’t happening, no matter how much closeness you feel, no matter how much they say they care, it isn’t a romantic relationship. It’s a mismatch of investment. PS: Even if your LO seems naturally aloof or shy, don’t make excuses for them. As long as you two have connected/talked in some way (i.e. as long as you have actually entered their orbit), if they’re showing mixed signals, they aren’t looking to be in a relationship with you . Our feelings betray us eventually… even the shyest, most understated people don’t let love pass them by. If your LO wanted to be in a relationship with you, you wouldn’t be here.. and I’m pretty sure you know this.

The Final Message of This Post

Let this be your clarity. You don’t need to decode your LO any more, something I cover in depth in my three books. In line with this, you need to stop trying to question why they seem to like you (sometimes deeply and genuinely), because it’s possible to like but not TRULY want – not in the self-sacrificing, committed relationship type of way. It’s time to come back to yourself, and to commit to healing from limerence and rising above the ‘pull’ to your LO entirely. Once you do this, you won’t care whether they like your athleticism, or contageous smile, or your witty WhatsApp messges. None of it will matter, for you’ll be free frmom the addiction.

That’s all… thank you for staying with me, and reading this. As always, feel free to reach out at neurosparkle@gmail.com if this has resonated with you, or if you have any questions. I just want to help you in whatever way I can, as I understand how difficult limerence feels to navigate. But the way out is a clear, shining path stretching out in front of you. Re-read this post as many times as you need, to be sure you’re in the right headspace to see it. The illusion fades fast once you let it 🙂