While healing from limerence, it’s important to give your brain as few opportunities as possible to romanticise your LO, or the obsessive state itself. Any shift in perspective or psychological trick you can use on yourself that helps you see limerence as a net-negative, pathological longing—rather than something romantic, beautiful, or meaningful—is helpful.

I’m going to share a new one that ticks all three boxes. Here it is: limerence is so much less about romance than you think. Your limerent episode is so unromantic, you probably wouldn’t believe it at first if you knew!

Therefore, romanticising it isn’t just unhelpful, it’s actually totally inappropriate. About as inappropriate as imagining yourself emotionally close or travelling the world with someone a little rude that you’re doing a business transaction with. Keep reading, and it’ll all make sense!

While Unhealthy, Limerence Typically Is a Form of Love

A lot of us get stuck wondering whether limerence counts as ‘love’. Some people find it easier to say that it isn’t, full stop… but I don’t agree with that overly simplistic view. The truth is, for all intents and purposes, it often does involve strong romantic longing and intense feelings that, in many ways, can be considered love. Neurochemically and psychologically, limerence operates as a form of love—particularly if you feel affectionate towards your LO, want to cuddle with them, or imagine closeness as much as you crave physical passion.

It’s love, just not the grounded, feasible kind. It’s far too intense, because your LO appears to meet emotional needs in you that, until you commit to recovery, make them seem like the most rare, magical being on earth. And it’s love that’s directed at the wrong person, because if they could/wanted to offer you the kind of relationship you want, you wouldn’t be in this situation.

So yes, you may be in love. But that doesn’t change the fact that recovery is absolutely necessary.

However, For Love to Work, The Circumstances Need to Be Adequately ‘Romantic’

Limerence may be a form of love, but what it almost never is, is a true expression of romance. And you do need romance for something to develop into a healthy, sustainable relationship—regardless of how unconventional you think your connection with your LO is. Limerence isn’t romantic in the real sense. By its very nature, it doesn’t involve two people mutually softening into the feelings, openly connecting, and moving towards the shared goal of building a relationship.

Romance Is All About Shared Intention and a Common Goal

I wouldn’t have understood this distinction in my teens or early twenties. Back then, I believed that anyone who could read my mind, resonate with me on that ‘rare’, electric mental level, and with whom I shared a powerful mutual attraction, must naturally be my person. Especially if they’d pursued me at first, opened up emotionally, and wanted to stay up late talking about life.

But in reality, for a connection to become truly romantic and actually ‘worth it’, both people have to want it to grow, and eventually want to make it official. That shared desire is what transforms connection into a relationship. It’s what has happened for all the happy couples you know—and even for celebrity pairings we assume won’t last, but clearly look loved-up! Despite the options available to them, they both started texting more often, both chose each other, and both continue to choose each other—reflected in their communication, loyalty, and all the time they spend planning trips and sharing life together. This applies to your friends in strong relationships just as much as it does to Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner. Whether they seem well-matched or not, they chose to be a couple and they’re going for it.

So, we can consider those dynamics ‘romantic’. Note: Importantly, romantic doesn’t mean a) both people being total pushovers, b) cheesy proclamations of love that come too early, or c) cutting off your friends and family. But to constitute ‘romance’, you need two people who both want to be together. This is possible for everyone, regardless of how edgy, cool, or independent you and your desired romantic options are. This kind of intention is the ONE thing that makes a relationship happen.

By Nature, Passion Without Intention Enables Painful, One-Sided Limerence

What happens when one person wants this and the other doesn’t? If that person is wired a certain way, they become limerent. In this dynamic, the limerent is the one being ‘rejected’; the LO doesn’t want a real relationship.

I say this without judgement: we’ve almost ALL been both the rejector and the rejected. Even the most attractive, successful people occasionally get rejected by those they deeply want. Sometimes the rejection is clear, and other times it’s much more subtle—which is exactly what this post is about. Sometimes it looks like someone really liking you, wanting access to your inner world, enjoying your company and ideas—but not wanting an actual relationship. That’s still rejection. We shouldn’t downplay it, pretend we don’t want more, or twist ourselves into accepting scraps when what we actually long for is something real. I see people do this all the time: “I didn’t want a relationship with my LO anyway… I love my freedom.” You may love your freedom, but you DID want an excited, committed relationship with your LO… so don’t be ashamed. Own it and use this pain to carve yourself into someone who can align with someone naturally, and enter a relationship that doesn’t involve the word ‘LO’!

As well as dissociating from our true desire for partnership, we shouldn’t romanticise the situation or paint it as some grand tragedy. It’s not. Your LO is less attached to you than you might think—or else they’d be making moves to be with you. A tragedy is if two loved-up people are placed in prisons on the opposite side of the earth. Your LO doesn’t want to be with you in the first place… no more than you want to be with someone you could, if you were more selfish, entertain for a few hours a week but not commit to.

It’s a tough truth, but also a freeing one: your current situation isn’t just non-romantic, it could be considered actively anti-romantic. No matter how your LO behaves towards you, they are the reason this hasn’t turned into something more. Step aside from the passion and longing, and see it clearly. Never minimise or overlook the fact that your LO almost certainly knows you want more—and still doesn’t want to build a relationship with you. That alone is why it’s inappropriate and unhelpful to view your limerent episode as romantic, or even as being in the same realm as love worth pursuing. It’d be like someone a little socially isolated hiring a language tutor, getting on well with them during their classes, and hoping this person becomes their best friend.

Most People Eventually Want a Real Relationship, And Your LO Knows That

Sure, there are exceptions. There are people who are polyamorous, and others who date casually and avoid commitment. But these are the outliers. The majority of adults, especially the clever, sparky, emotionally intense ones who often become our LOs, do understand how relationships and emotional bonds work. They know how intimacy progresses, and they know what it looks like when someone wants more. They know what people EXPECT too; they’ve seen all the Hollywood films. They know you’re drawn to them yet are accepting less than you want, and less than you deserve.

So, here’s a truism: if your connection with your LO feels incredibly romantic but is full of confusion, mixed signals, or moments where they suddenly disappear for days… they’re not feeling what you’re feeling. You might be falling in love and they might like you a lot, even consider you a rare find—but they don’t want to be with you. They may see you as fascinating, emotionally magnetic, the most stimulating person they’ve met in ages—but for one reason or another, they don’t want to lose their freedom or cut off their other options. They don’t want the adventure of building something real with you.

“My LO Does Truly Love Me Too, But We Can’t Be Together”

Maybe you believe your LO does want to be with you. Maybe they’ve said they would drop everything for you.. if only circumstances were different. These are rare cases in the world of limerence. Most of the time, it involves love or attraction that is unreciprocated, at least in part. But if you do genuinely believe that your LO feels the same, and you’re both deeply stuck due to real-life obstacles, like marriage or cultural restrictions, I still want to gently challenge that narrative.

Because unless you’re bound by actual legal barriers or something deeply ingrained in your culture or faith, you could find a way to be together. And if their feelings mirrored yours in intensity, urgency, and longing—would you be the one reading this, or would they be the one fighting to make it happen? People can’t hide their feelings forever. If your LO seems to adore you occasionally, yet appears nonchalant other times and resists incorporating you into their life… if their weekends are always “too busy” because “this friend from out of town is visiting”, and they’re in the gym all week… they’re not looking to progress into a relationship with you.

You might say, “But I’m busy too – I haven’t made a real effort to be with them either.” This probably isn’t entirely true, if you really feel limerent. You’ve probably jumped at a sign of warmth from them at least once and have found they didn’t match your energy, disappointing you instead. But if it’s really true and neither of you is making ANY moves, maybe, just maybe, you both know on some level that this whole thing is a kind of drug high that wouldn’t translate into something sustainable.

Either way, my message for you is the same: you’re not living inside a romantic fairytale. You might feel overwhelming love, passion, and yearning—but your situation isn’t as romantic or as relationship-ready as your feelings suggest. That’s not harsh, it’s freeing. It’s how you begin to step outside the limerent fog.

Conclusion: Realising This Isn’t a Fairytale Makes Recovery SO Much Easier!

The psychological dynamics that trigger limerence remain consistent. So does the path out of it.. the path towards viewing your LO as a normal person who, even if you feel some level of attraction, has NO hold over your dopamine circuitry or mood. I cover all aspects of recovery and outline a programme in my three books, particularly the first; to start practically RISING ABOVE limerence, please read this page here and choose to take a blind leap of faith. Opt to read and listen to all the content you can, as it’s curated for people exactly like you and has helped tens of thousands so far.

Once you’re aware of the recovery principles, sticking to them is easy… as long as you have the right attitude too. You have to want to be free.. not just from the pain, but from the emotional highs too. Because just like with any addiction, the crushing lows are only possible when the highs are unnaturally euphoric. No one should have the power to light you up or crush your spirit to this degree.

I want you to realise that you truly deserve more than limerence. You deserve a real connection… one that’s mutual, exciting in all the ways you like, and above all, genuinely romantic and intentional. Which limerence certainly isn’t!