We know that limerence is a behavioral addiction to unrequited or impossible love that has a neurochemical basis. The soaring highs, deeply painful lows and OCD thinking patterns also beget a strong degree of magical ideation. The role that this plays in keeping you addicted to a limerent object (LO) is precisely what we are going to cover and break down today.
Personally, I believe that this form of spiritual thinking is precisely what makes limerent episodes so difficult to deal with and what makes limerents different from other sufferers of unrequited love. Without magical ideation and the belief that this person is perfect for you, your soulmate or your twin flame, there is no limerence.
Limerence Versus Infatuation
Several years ago, I used to write about and refer to a). strong unrequited infatuation and b). limerence interchangeably. I covered all the physiological symptoms, delusional beliefs and coping mechanisms that you will know well without differentiating between the two terms. Frankly, I did this to make my articles more accessible to those who really needed my help but who were unaware of the word “limerence”, perhaps because they were older or because English was not their first language.
And, after all, the boundaries between neurobiological states are difficult to etch out. Limerence, as a pathological form of love, is an extreme form of infatuation, but not every infatuation is limerence. To illustrate this, here’s an example: a newly-wed married couple who walk into town together and feel that they’re floating are infatuated but not limerent. Conversely, someone utterly stricken and broken by unrequited love for their friend who is oblivious of their feelings is infatuated and limerent.
Magical Ideation Fuels Limerence
So, with that clarified, limerence is infatuation and a whole lot more. We can see this when we speak to limerents online or in person; they are suffering to a greater degree, more existential, less capable of detaching from the pull of their LO. But, why?
After years of helping hundreds of people rewire their brains and permanently leave limerence behind, I have come to a conclusion. The difference between limerence and unrequited infatuation that makes the former more of a state of mental and physical sickness is this: despite wanting to be free, limerents believe that they are spiritually aligned with their LO and that detaching would irrevocably affect their life beyond their emotions. Limerence involves the iron-strong belief that the course of your life will be irrefutably lackluster, melancholy and without color without the object of your love. Why? Because, regardless of your analytical mind or maturity, you can’t shake the feeling that they are your soulmate or your twin flame.
Define Soulmate and Twin Flame
A lot of people type this line into Google, and a lot of people reach out to me asking what to do when they have an unyielding hunch that, despite the limerence being detrimental to their life path, their LO is ‘truly their soulmate/twin flame’. Despite being a neuroscientist with a love for analytics and completely limerence-immune myself, I can still imagine the specific inky darkness, depth and pain behind their feelings. I always drop what I’m doing to help them deal with them.
This is how I would define what us humans refer to as a soulmate: a person ideally suited to you physically, emotionally and spiritually, with whom you experience genuine, timeless connection. Often associated with real love and life partnership, the feeling of being with a ‘soulmate’ is like coming home.
The sensation of having found your twin flame, however, is stronger, has more of a spiritual basis and involves more impulsivity and irrationality. A twin flame is, as is taught by spiritual communities, someone not just carved out for you, but someone who resonates at the identical energetic level that you do due to shared past traumas and problems. The euphoria and energy garnered from clicking with someone like this projects you upwards like a rocket towards your truth; you feel that life is in colour and that you have been reborn. Words cannot do this feeling justice, as it is wildly intoxicating, overwhelming and inundates you with such a sense of irrefutable certainty that this sacred person has to be gripped onto.
The Twin Flame Theory Describes Limerence
There is no difference between a). limerence (with its lovesickness and OCD basis) and b). the concept of being in a ‘twin flame bond’ that is romanticized by many spiritualists. These states are identical, only being peered at through different lenses. Due to the intensity of these feelings, many subscribe to the belief that a ‘twin flame’ bond is the universe’s way of projecting you towards your ultimate expression of yourself. Instead of feeling like you have found ‘the one’, you feel that you need this person to be whole, to embody oneness, and to finally live life as the spiritual being in a human body that you really are.
I’m sure that you’re relating to these twin flame feelings as you read this, so I want to clarify two things; 1). you are not silly to buy into them (they are the inevitable result of the neurobiological disruptions of limerence) and 2). I am not suggesting that you should renounce spirituality entirely.
Healthy spiritual thinking plays a crucial role in recovery. After all, limerent episodes do change you profoundly and, by revealing your unhealed wounding and unmet needs to you, LOs do shunt you down the tunnel of enlightenment and catalyze immense growth. It’s impossible to suffer months/years addicted to an LO and then functionally reorganize your entire belief system regarding yourself and romance without also unknowingly making other changes in your life. I am spiritual myself, since the Law of Assumption (a.k.a. the concept that your beliefs actively create your entire external reality) quite literally governs this time-space reality and is in no way in conflict with science or any ‘logical’ schools of thought. Read about how to lean into this creative spiritual power of yours and use it to cure limerence, rather than manifest it like you are currently doing, here.
To Overcome Limerence, The Twin Flame Delusion Must Be Shattered
So, we know that the truth is somewhere in between renouncing all spirituality and embracing it with reckless abandon. Unfortunately, despite feeling ineffably significant and frankly numinous, the twin flame theory must be squashed if you are serious about detaching from a particular LO you are addicted to. I refer to it as a ‘delusion’ not because beliefs about energetic bonds with people and resonation are falsehoods; you do resonate with people who emit the same frequency of vibration as you, which is illustrated by quantum physics, neuroscience and psychology. However, I say it because the concept that you need to cling onto one magical twin flame character is absolutely toxic and untrue.
Be careful what you allow to occupy your mind, because spiritual leaders profit immensely from capitalizing on your obsessive limerent feelings. By producing twin flame online content and offering coaching on dealing with the runner and chaser dynamics, they are making you feel validated. However, what you don’t realize, in this temporary state of insanity, is that they are also keeping you trapped by stopping you from reaching within and rewiring your brain away from limerence. By claiming that it is normal for a twin flame bond to play out in a hot-and-cold way and for one person to be the ‘runner’, they are lying to limerents and giving them hope. By stating that, eventually, universal forces make the ‘runner’ realize that he or she truly loves you and chase you, they are pouring gasoline into your already-raging fire of magical ideation and delaying your recovery.
Emotional Freedom Lies Beyond A Soulmate Or Twin Flame
So, you should see the twin flame theory for what it really is: a commercial coping mechanism. Teal Swan, a very analytical, inspiring thinker, refers to this type of delusional practice as novocaine spirituality (check out her book – she’s a fascinating woman). Novocaine being a numbing medication, illustrating the point that you must be critical and discriminative in terms of what you read and listen to; many people will try and profit from your desire to reach out for anything that makes you feel endorsed and sane.
But, I know you’re better than that. I know that you want to leave limerence behind and never, ever cry about an LO again or spend the day dizzy with ecstasy due to them happening to like your profile picture. It’s time to stop reaching for the easy, immediate reward and source of comfort that leaning into your magical ideation provides you with and do something different. For the limerent who lives with his feelings, acknowledges them but decides to question the lies his brain is feeding him with is the one who cures himself permanently. I know, for I am limerence-prone but limerence-immune myself.
Thank you for reading; it is surreal and wonderful to know my words are being read by people from all over the world.