As you will be familiar, the emotions of obsessive lovesickness muddy your perception of the world unlike anything else. Most limerents are very rational and independent in most areas of their life. But, this logic and reason goes out of the window when it comes to their limerent object (LO), who they view as a demi-god. Despite sensing that they must disconnect, they feel emotionally driven to dwell in the highs and the lows of limerence, and to fuel the fantasy bond in the depths of their own mind.

This is completely natural and to be expected. Most limerents report that it all just feels so intense and real, in a way that nothing ever has done before. However, limerence is always illusory, in the sense that a). your connection with your LO is not healthy or viable and b). neither the lows nor the highs can be sustained permanently. And, fortunately it can be short-lived too, if you commit to radically shifting towards a higher expression of yourself and saying goodbye to your current one. To the one that has got you into this undesirable conundrum in the first place.

The psychological techniques covered in my two limerence books cover this transformation in depth, providing you with all that you need to become 100% limerence free forever. As you follow the recovery steps, however, you must ALSO commit to tweaking your mentality in a very specific way.

What must you do, in order to facilitate your transition towards a completely limerence-free future? You must become a true realist and view yourself, the world and others in a more lucid way (i.e. what is actually going on here? What would someone who loves me say about this connection/my LO? Could they be a *tiny bit* correct? Is it burdening me more than it’s benefitting me?). You must also think in terms of value – i.e. what value you are bringing to the world/any given situation, and what value others are bringing to you.

This attitude is an absolute kill-switch for limerent pain, because limerence categorically provides you with ZERO value. Think about this situation as a CEO would audit their company – what is your LO really providing you with? If you had to justify your attachment now, to a razor-sharp judge looking for proof of real benefits, could you really do so?

Once you mull this over, you’ll realise that the only real, objective piece of value that you CAN derive from this painful situation is the opportunity to grow. And, perhaps, the opportunity to have got to know someone with your LO’s personality in order to know to avoid unlabelled, messy connections in the future. And, what do both of these realisations drive you towards? Realising that you simply must learn from this, detach, become someone who COULDN’T fall for your LO, and create your own magic.

I urge you to tap into this logical, value-evaluating way of thinking as much as possible. Sociopaths/psychopaths do it very well, which is a key reason why these individuals with low empathy do not obsess over one romantic option for years. They view the world as their own abundant playground, and while we should not strive to become like them, we should be humble enough to learn a few things from whoever is good at what we struggle with.

There is no shame in feeling lovesick for your LO, or wrecked by this life chapter. This too shall pass has never rung truer than the context of limerence recovery. Limerence is an evolutionary mechanism gone wrong… an unhelpful, shallow form of love. Fortunately, this is a mere psychological state that you can and will learn to remove from your life entirely and permanently. But, you cannot create a limerence-free experience from the same layer of reality. You must change your attitude, your values and your expectations of yourself/others, in order to experience life without limerence.

What has got you to the place you currently are, isn’t what will take you where you want to be.

Everyone who has healed themself of a condition like binge-eating or panic attacks has seen this truth – that change starts from within, and that we all must view reality objectively in order to optimise it for ourselves. They have learnt to view themselves excruciatingly objectively, see which thinking patterns have caused their suffering, and get fantastic results by replacing them with better ones.

Here are the basic behaviours that emerge from the logical worldview I’m expounding in this post. Most highly successful people follow and recommend these strategies in one way or another:

1). First, commit to bringing maximal value to everyone in your life – help others who deserve it (give, give, give), present as positive and warm, learn what makes different people tick, support people’s dreams. Never complain, never take, never drain.

2). Recognise that YOU also deserve high-value people, connections and experiences.

3). Dream big – imagine the people, connections and experiences that you want in your life, down to the very last detail. Don’t worry about the ‘how’ – just decide what you want, with clarity.

4). (Critical): NOW, VIEW REALITY AS IT IS and work out what you need to tweak about your own character/behaviour to elicit the positive changes you want to see in others/your general life experience.

5). Adjust as necessary, and stay objective – consider different areas of your life to see if the changes you’re implementing are working.

You see, your experience of life expands in unprecedentedly magical ways when you choose to be more logical, while still preserving your heart. Because this doesn’t translate to putting on a cold front or viewing relationships as transactional. On the contrary, it means having standards, knowing what you deserve, dreaming big and committing to doing the work to get precisely what you want out of life. While brightening everyone else’s life on the way.

I’m excited to get this post out – even if you’re in the depths of limerence, I know that you won’t forget this message (or the importance of ‘seeking value’ in others). My mission here is to attack limerence from all angles and remove it from your life, permanently. Becoming more logical and value-oriented – like any good businessman/woman – makes it hard to keep deluding yourself that your ‘deep connection with your LO’ is providing you with anything of substance.

Read this a few times until it sinks in, and remember – this is just one of the ‘mental switches’ necessary to overcome limerence. But, it’s a pretty formidable one when implemented correctly. After all, the whole premise of recovery is to mentally devalue your LO by becoming someone who could never fall for them, become neutral to them (and any other potential LOs) as a result. And to stop romanticising the unpredictable scraps of attention you receive from them, by realising that they are misleading, ingenuine and a very immature expression of human connection.

So, why not fast-track this process by actively striving to identify, seek and receive value in all areas of your life? Which, of course, depends on being the most glowing, nourished, fulfilled version of yourself too, as that’s the value that others want from you. That, and genuine support, attention and recognition for who they believe that they are. 🙂