1. Life No Longer Seems Like An Adventure
When happily in love, your baseline mood will be enhanced and the world will seem to stretch out in front of you like a playground. The potent mixture of neurochemicals that underpin romance has many people viewing the world through a childlike, unjaded lens, through which all outcomes seem possible. As a consequence of this drive to live life to the fullest, more things will pique your interest and your brain will connect them with your partner; any new restaurant or stimulating book you discover will provide you with an excuse to connect with and explore that facet of the human experience with them.
If you have slipped back into a less inquisitive and expansive mentality and find yourself increasingly unenthused about planning activities and meals out with your partner, there is a strong chance that they are no longer interesting to you.
2. Their Affection Is Unwanted and Starts to Seem Pathetic
A major sign that you have not just left the ‘new relationship energy’ stage but are also generally losing all romantic feelings is a suddenly diminished desire to be affectionate with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Perhaps little kisses from them used to melt your heart and fill you with adoration, but you now find yourself repulsed by such attention; them pulling the sheets over you to ensure you don’t get cold at night makes you roll your eyes and wonder why on earth they are so subservient.
Factors like stress and grief can certainly render you temporarily averse to cuddling and expressing affection, but if you are consistently far less keen to ‘baby’ your partner than they would like, this is reflective of a huge disparity between your feelings regarding the relationship.
Some people are unfortunately inherently mismatched in this regard, and such points of incompatibility sometimes only surface after the honeymoon phase has ended. Finding your partner’s emotional dependency on you pathetic and embarrassing is a definite sign to end the relationship; prioritize being honest with them and do not stretch out this period of transition, so as to avoid leaving them with emotional wounds that take them years to heal and being incredulous of their future partners’ intentions.
3. You Wish Saying “I Love You” Wasn’t Expected
In line with the loss of spontaneous affectionate impulses, you may resent the societal pressure on people in relationships to say these three words. If your partner tells you they love you effortlessly and with warmth throughout the day yet you have to force yourself to reply, cringing internally, you are most likely starting to see them as a burden rather than the centerpiece of your life. This is particularly applicable if you said these words readily during the early stages of the relationship but now detest doing so; all signs point towards your relationship being at its tail end
4. You See Their Flaws Objectively, No Longer Deeming Them Quirks
As I discuss in my article on limerence, people experiencing fresh and all-consuming romantic feelings perceive their partner as a wonderous concept void of flaws. This golden lens of perception starts to disappear a few months into a real, reciprocated relationship because infatuation has an expiry date: the human brain can only produce euphoric sensations in response to the same stimuli for a certain period of time before habituating. People in long-term relationships find themselves irked by small things that their partners do, aligned with the general stabilization of the relationship.
However, if you permanently find yourself criticizing your lover’s flaws, and seeing them as objectively and logically as you would see an old friend or sibling’s, it is likely that you no longer truly want to be in a romantic relationship with them. A strong connection should render some weaknesses and odd rituals of theirs ‘quirky’ and endearing, such as their tendency to wake up at 5 am or laugh loudly in the cinema. If almost everything that they do that brings attention to them has you sighing and wishing they could be a little more ‘normal’, you are devaluing them.
5. In New Crowds, You Avoid Mentioning Your Relationship
When mingling with a new social scene or a new group of coworkers, you will notice that many of them struggle to go ten minutes without mentioning their partner or spouse. Despite enjoying a few hours to socialize alone, they are unknowingly presenting themselves to the world as beings encapsulated by some metaphorical relationship bubble; everyone comes to realize that a certain few will simply say no to evening plans that extend beyond 8 pm. In line with this, if you are sexually compatible with such people and there is potential attraction, you will probably find that they do not want to indulge in too deep or intimate of a conversation with you as their priorities lie in securing an unjeopardized future with their lover.
I remember moving into a new apartment full of students when transitioning (too slowly!) out of a relationship that, truthfully, no longer provided me with any excitement. In contrast to the first year of being with that person, during which I adored introducing them to all new people in my life and was bursting with pride, I found myself completely averse to mixing them with my new friends. When at social gatherings, I was not so disrespectful and immoral to actively flirt with other people, but it dawned on me that I was certainly engaging with the group in a way that suggested my entire spirit, mind and heart was with them. Drunk and keen to explore my options and experience the energy of novel human beings after so many months of quiet date nights, I paid no mind to the fact that my partner was at home. They were no longer an extension of me, so instead of desiring to share my world with them, I saw them as an obstacle between me and my social and spiritual freedom.
6. You Suddenly No Longer Believe In Romance, Nor Are Touched By It
One thing most people love about getting into a relationship is the newfound ability to relate to and be uplifted by the pervasive societal focus on love. The vast majority of books, music and movies feature romance-centerd components and tropes, and it feels wonderful to be able to bask in such media rather than rejecting it (as many do while single or embittered by heartbreak).
Some people are less whimsical and romantic than others, but being in a relationship should increase your interest and trust in the concept of human partnership. If you are routinely sickened when walking through the park and observing couples displaying their love, or if you watch romantic scenes in shows with a cynical smile and wonder how two people can be so naïve so as to believe that their love will last, then you are not in a romantic headspace at all. Even if your relationship is old and no longer triggers intense, reactive feelings in you, this is a problem and reveals that you at least partially desire spreading your wings and leaving the hindrance that is your partner behind.
7. You Romanticize Being Single And Feel Cheated of That Version of Yourself
It is human nature to think back to being an individualized and atomized single human when in a committed relationship, but if you experience frequent intrusive thoughts about how much freer you were without romantic obligations, you are a ticking time bomb. Sooner or later, this craving to be single and meet new people, focus ‘selfishly’ on your own projects and not have to fuss over texting your partner goodnight will inundate your mind and push you towards a). being unfaithful or b). ending the relationship (certainly the more moral option).