The enforced quarantine that the infamous COVID-19 has us all currently dealing with boasts advantages and disadvantages. The seemingly-limitless hours of home time we have been subjected to allow us to indulge in pastimes such as reading, writing and learning a new language.
However, many vulnerable people will be having a less-than-luxurious time trapped in the confines of their homes with minimal social stimulation and a non-existent routine. Anyone with a mental illness such as bipolar disorder, OCD or severe depression will be confronted with more than their fair share of challenges during this surreal, virally-dominated era.
(Edit: It’s predicted that world governments will soon announce that we have to all wear masks when the quarantine is relaxed. Get yours ASAP before they sell out – cheap and sturdy ones here!).
Limerence Is A Temporary Mental Disorder
You can certainly consider yourself mentally ill if you are currently in the depths of a agonizing limerent episode.
Since limerence can be considered a pathological phenomenon and the pure result of a genetically-curated neural disposition, OCD, manic-depressive tendencies and anxiety issues are almost always comorbidities. In less floral language, not everyone experiences limerence, and those who do possess specific neurotransmission-related genes that allow for them to experience soaring highs, crushing lows and neurotic obsession over their limerent object (LO). These same genes tend to produce behavioral patterns that we humans like to label bipolar disorder, OCD and anxiety.
NB: Psychological factors do, of course, also contribute heavily to whether or not a limerent individual falls into serial limerences that disrupt their life or whether they learn to control their mind. Being a neuroscientist, I find the neural makeup underpinning limerence fascinating, but also have a background in clinical psychology and adore teaching people how to transform their subconscious minds and become immune to the allure of limerence.
Limerence In The Time of The Coronavirus
I digress, back to our topic: why is the enforced Coronavirus quarantine particularly tough for limerents, and how can you cope with limerence and use this time to actively progress in your recovery and detach from your LO rather than spiraling into melancholic chaos?
A stubborn beast to deal with, limerence not only involves an unstable mood and fixation on the LO (both of which are worsened significantly by having too much time to think and wallow, in addition to lack of a schedule), but is also sustained by a strong undercurrent of magical ideation.
The fact that you are reading the contents of my site suggest that you are at a stage where you a). objectively see that limerence is pathological and damaging, b). have decided that the transient highs are not worth the despair and pain that inundates you when you ‘crash’ (post on why limerence isn’t worth it here) and c). desperately want to recover and regain neural stability.
While these revelations are very positive and essential in making progress, you are only around a meager 30% of the way towards true recovery and detachment from your infatuation if you still fall into delusional magical thinking.
I go into this in moderate detail in this article, but the most harmful symptom that limerence generates is the illusion that a). you have found your soulmate (or twin flame) and that b). these strong feelings are incredibly spiritually-significant for you and therefore should not be let go of.
Logically, few things are more disastrous than a temporary affliction involving a strong degree of magical ideation paired with ample time to sit around at home and revel in sentimentality. Writing diary entries and listening to music that reminds you of your LO and seems to “represent” the highest and lowest points of this particular limerence is only adding fuel to the fire.
Remember What Limerence Is: Impossible Or Unrequited Love
All of us limerents have different stories and fall for different archetypes of people. However, one thing rings true for everyone: limerence, by definition, involves either unrequited infatuation, or romantic feelings that are otherwise impossible and not heading towards the initiation of a real relationship.
Lamentably, as you will know all too well, experiencing the sweet, zingy dopamine high of limerence is not always contingent on real-life signs of emotional reciprocation. For this reason, anyone tackling this mental health disorder must go cold turkey on their LO and cut all real, imagined and digital ties. Sometimes, merely fantasizing about a deep conversation with your LO or looking at their Facebook or Instagram profile is enough to charge you with electricity and send you flying through the rest of your day, like a feather-light and rambunctious puppy.
However, like all neurobiological (and natural) phenomena, this high possesses inherent duality. Minutes or hours after getting our hit, we sink into utter, catatonic despair and depression as we’re reminded that our LO does not really love us, or that we’re married and should not be entertaining a passionate infatuation in our heads, or that for whatever other reason our love is unrequited and impossible.
Like an uncomfortably astute mirror, the negative facet of this high is what normally what reveals our level of delusion and insanity to us. Life loses the colorful effervescence it was tinged by only hours ago, and we assume a dejected, embarrassed and desperate state. Once again plunged into the depths of lovesickness, we commit to detaching from our LOs but cannot quite follow through with this commitment.
(Read about the most important lessons limerence teaches us here; this is potentially my best article on the topic of limerence, and I really suggest you give it a read!).
How to Overcome An Infatuation During the Coronavirus
Fortunately, with an abundance of information at our fingertips and countless forums and articles to read, you are capable of informing yourself of the truth and setting real bright lines (i.e. rules) in place to ensure you get over your LO during this time stuck at home.
A full, enriched post-quarantine existence is awaiting you in a matter of weeks or months, which should both thrill you and make you a little nervous. You see, once we are all unleashed onto the real world again, weeks of pent-up energy will have many people super-focused, super-positive and super-productive. I feel you will be at a great disadvantage socially, romantically and professionally if you find yourself spiraling into a deeper state of limerence during the COVID-19 quarantine and emerging heartbroken and generally jaded. I want to ensure that you step out of your cocoon a liberated, self-assured and neurochemically-stable butterfly when this is all over.
However, this will, of course, rely on you doing what you know you must do:
- Crush and re-direct any circular thoughts regarding twin flames and soulmates. Put all spirituality to the side, and realize that such ideologies are extremely dangerous right now; you are not well.
- Every time your LO pops into your head, counter those OCD-rooted thoughts with affirmations and reminders like “but they’re a normal person, just like X (someone dull and non-LO-worthy)”. While in love in this intense way, you won’t be at all convinced that your LO is comparable to that unlikeable acquaintance of yours, but you don’t need to. The purpose of this exercise is to bring your LO back down to the human realm – back to reality. Your brain literally undergo a physical reorganization, creating new neural pathways that do actually allow you to see your LO as boring and unattractive.
- Never forget that you are temporarily irrational and hyper-emotional, and that anything your LO does, says or wears will have you flooded with love and admiration. This means nothing; just see it as a confirmation that you are limerent, and make it your target to lessen these feelings.
- Remember that it is absolutely, objectively true that soon, once you effectively rewire your limbic brain away from this person-addiction, your LO will be transformed in front of you and the infatuation will come to a sudden halt. They will lose their sparkle, their words will no longer shake you to the core, and they will most probably not even be physically attractive to you. I have come out of severe, manic limerent episodes during which I suffered months of manic-depression and was entirely convinced that those people were my ‘twin flames’, only to feel now either feel indifferent to or repulsed by the mere idea of dating those same people. You, too, can experience this relief and liberation wash over you. Imagine thinking “no, thank you!” at the offer of a relationship with this man or woman… does that feel implausibly out-of-reach? It is not – a few weeks of commitment to recovery and employing the correct psychological techniques will allow you to completely forget about them.
- Do not, and I mean do not, look at their social media. If this is very hard for you, I recommend downloading an app that tracks progress in quitting addictions. NB: You can typically set multiple counters within one app; what could be better than racking up an impressive number of days of abstinence from not only your LO’s Instagram feed, but also refined sugar, alcohol and unnecessary online shopping?
That is it for today; I hope you are all well and managing to stay dancing within the realm of positivity and productivity during these bizarre times! If you are still at a point where you feel a lot of pain over the concept of cutting ties with your LO, please feel free to contact me to discuss your individual case in depth. I completely understand that, in the worst phases of limerence (particular the first few episodes!), going ‘cold turkey’ on contact with your LO can seem more painful and scary a prospect than death; however, you have got this and will achieve this! <3