Sometimes, limerent episodes truly take you by surprise. You come across a limerent object (LO) when you least expect it, and end up strapped into an overwhelming emotional rollercoaster against your own volition. Say goodbye to good books, peaceful dog walks and a happy sense of stability; your days are now lashed with magical ideation, obsessive rumination and bittersweet euphoria. None of it seems like an experience that humans should be capable of, let alone related to anything you have experienced before. Your brain has been infiltrated, and it has to be this man or woman’s fault, right?
I Do Not Know Why I Am Limerent
This is a thought many limerents have in common, and it propels different people to different conclusions depending on their situations. Here are some examples:
- “I love my safe, stable marriage and my children – why am I ready to throw away everything for someone who hardly gives me the time of day?”
- “We message a lot online, but he runs hot and cold and occasionally ignores me in public. When this happens, my day is ruined and I am plunged into an existential depression. What is wrong with him, and why does he not act like a normal adult?”
- “It doesn’t take a genius to see her toxic, manipulative traits. I do not understand why women of this nature always chase me and make me fall in love with them – all I want is freedom and emotional stability.”
- “I accept that attachment theory plays a key role in limerence, but I am generally independent. My LO has just infected my mind with falsehoods and made me addicted – they’re an exception.”
All of these are realistic examples of confused limerents’ stances, certain that the mysterious allure and odd behavior of their LO is entirely to blame for their suffering. Unknowingly and justifiably, for limerence consumes us and makes temporarily illogical as evolution would want, they are implying that limerence is out of their control. That if these damaging, addictive narcissistic, borderline personality disorder and other chaotic members of society did not exist, they would never have strayed from their purposeful and content life. If you have read my other article or conducted your own research, you will know the above to be nothing more than a delusional falsehood produced by limerence itself. As I explore further in my book, this form of determinism is inaccurate and limiting. Why?
Limerent Objects Are Not Gods
Conceptualizing this turbulent life chapter as the pure result of your LO generating feelings in you is bestowing upon them the very Demi-God Status that you must destroy to get over them. Whether they are narcissistic, sociopathic, childish, immature or just plain eccentric and unpredictable, you must swerve yourself away from associating these feelings with them, counterintuitive as that sounds. Hear me out; I am going to provide you with two clear lines of evidence against this style of thinking.
You see, believing you are the passive, innocent receiver of external stimuli is never conducive to recovering from any state, be it major depression, panic disorder or limerence. We get more of what we put out, and with those thoughts etched into your mind, you are resonating at a frequency of lack, insufficiency and inferring that you are not capable of overcoming this (which is not true, you are extremely powerful and THE conscious creator of your external reality; keep reading to delve into just how you can shatter this limiting mental framework).
So, yes, the truth bomb is as follows; clinging firmly onto the victim mentality and blaming someone else’s poor emotional boundaries and odd behavior towards you for the generation of your pain is counterproductive and inaccurate. This is for two reasons: a). the fact that you will never overcome this LO if you fixate on them on any way, and b). the fact that aligning with a toxic LO and falling for them is impossible, and I repeat impossible, if you are not carrying around problematic beliefs imprinted in your subconscious and dealing with unmeet needs.
1. “My LO Is Special, Toxic, Crazy And Has Made Me Addicted”
Indulging in this form of thinking only adds fuel to the fire, seating your LO further and further away in your head from all the other, boring, non-omnipotent people you know. Naturally, this will perpetuate the twin flame delusion snowball further that it already has done. This is reflected by you believing that your LO can read your mind, that they are your spiritually-designed soulmate and that they secretly loves you but are resistant to tell you, engaging in ‘runner’ and ‘chaser’ dynamics.
Yes, the twin flame theory is appealing and moving. Additionally, romance does involve polarity and push-and-pull dynamics, but in the context of unrequited love, thinking along these lines is fruitless and unfair to yourself. You are unwell; we need to treat you and teach you to free your brain from the dangerous groove it’s fallen into, not analyse and dwell on the material of the groove.
Moreover, there is no colossal romantic dynamic to analyse here, because this is in your head. You must peer inwards, correcting your subconscious belief systems through powerful psychological techniques and ascertaining what unmet needs your LO is meeting, rather than obsessing over their bad/childish/X adjective behavior. (Hint: we already know LOs are intense and unstable!).
So, I Shouldn’t Vilify My Limerent Object?
You may question this approach, proposing that surely demonizing your LO as a troublemaker who has induced mental chaos in you is actually likely to help you fall out of love and be beneficial. However, this is not true, and there are no exceptions – the reason behind this can be understood by considering some neuroscience. Limerence is such a strong, systemic affliction that involves the brain temporarily doing anything it can to reward you for advancing in this illusory bond, the perceived goal being a promised permanent state of pair-bonding – a guarantee that your needs will always be met by this wonderful being, and that you will float through life jubilant and seeping excess golden sunshine.
Ah, silly human brain. We know that this isn’t how real-life partnership works (a. people aren’t our drugs/pacifiers to make us feel good, and b). real, consistent emotional reciprocation shatters limerence entirely!), but your brain has evolved to launch you towards someone who might make your chances of survival a little higher (through making you happier) like a rat up a drainpipe.
Do Not Grant Your Limerent Object Power
As we will touch on at the bottom of this post, the key to permanently beating limerence (yes, indeed – the limerence cure) is to ruthlessly commit to meeting your own needs, heal all elements of psychological wounding you carry around and radically change your belief systems. This way, these people will have no power over you and will not seem impressive, addictive or magical. If they can’t shield you from your psychological wounding (because you’re all healed!) and they can’t meet your needs (because you honour them yourself, filling your life with the people and experiences that YOU need to feel cheery) they can’t make you feel wonderful. Without this sugary ecstasy, there is no dependence, no unrequited love feelings, and no limerence. They’re just a normal old classmate, colleague, acquaintance or parent at the school gates.
However, if currently limerent, you still need to commit to this recovery process as you aren’t there yet. Rather, you are in a deep state of neurochemical addiction, and in order to secure your next hit, your limerent brain is desperate for you to lament, mourn, view the social media of and even vilify your LO. Doing any of these will increase the perceived obstacles between you and them, increase attraction and admiration and keep you addicted and emotionally traumatized. Your amygdala will stay on red-alert, cortisol and systemic inflammation will skyrocket, your anxiety symptoms will increase and you will keep receiving those artificial jolts of dopamine from what are essentially imagined interactions.
Any focus on your LO as a powerful being or concept will reward you with dopamine. You will get the high, but will also be experiencing the flipside – the horrific, demobilizing lows. Better to see your LO as problematic, but to let it go and focus on yourself. That’s where the magic really happens, and that’s how this disorder can be shed and forgotten.
2. These Feelings Reflect Your Genetics and Psychology
Furthermore, and most relevantly, it is not true that your LO is to blame for generating these feelings in you. You are limerent because you possess:
a). the neural disposition and genes that allow for euphoria, obsession and rumination. These are principally genes pertaining to serotonergic, dopaminergic and noradrenergic signaling, and also give rise to OCD, depression, anxiety and bipolar disease (typical comorbidities of limerence).
b). the internalized belief systems, unhealed wounds and unmet needs that result in you both emitting energy that attracts toxic LOs and finding them impactful and addictive. On a psychological level, their traits simultaneously balance out, energize and intrigue you, resulting in the illusion that they are your twin flame or soulmate. It is entirely understandable that you feel this way, as your brain is pelting you with delusions in the form of large rocks.
However, it is never too late to transform your subconscious mind and shift your energetic position so that your LO is no longer a fit for you and your trauma. This will render it impossible for you to pique the attention of your typical profile of LO (or any LO, for that matter), and will assure that you are uninterested in them and see them as ‘regular humans’ if they should get close to you.
Target The Root Causes to Shatter Limerence
You must identify your psychological areas of weakness and overcome them, in order to permanently remove limerence from your life. Check out my book The Limerent Mind to learn how to move on from this nightmare.